How do you help couples move from crisis to healthy conflict management?
Do you work with couples, trying to help them get to a better place, stay together or maybe both?
If so, you may have been in a session and thought, “I have no idea to how to help this couple. How did their relationship become this bad?”
I get it. I’ve heard those stories too, as a divorce attorney and mediator. Some of the most gut-wrenching and the most tragic stories have played out in front of me as I’ve worked with couples in crisis.
You’ve probably had a husband or wife talk to you privately about their partner, leaving you with a mental picture of how difficult their spouse is. Once you meet the other person for yourself and hear their story, it becomes obvious that distorted perceptions are at play.
Sometimes it even gets bizarre... I once had a man compensating for a language barrier, galloping around my office. He was conveying his wife on a broomstick, as he was trying to say she was a witch. But you guessed it—she wasn’t.
We see the strife of war amongst lovers.
In your counseling or supporting role, how do you offer help without becoming a part of the war or simply throwing up your hands in despair?
- Position yourself as an influencer, not as a judge. Resist their attempts to have you ‘join their side’; to exact justice on the other. In all but the exceptional case, there is more complexity to their relationship than you are able to see in a few sessions. There’s an art to influencing without being perceived as judging. Hone that skill. Why? Because once someone feels judged, they’re more likely to check out.
- Establish and enforce boundaries. If you’ve given a couple permission, explicitly or implicitly, to call you when they’re deep into a heated argument, they will. If God’s calling for you is to help couples when they’re in crisis, then by all means, take their call.
from Christianity Today Magazine
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